he asked me, “ what does home mean to you?” I said, “home is where I can fully feel my overflowing emotions. where there’s no need to dance along a facade and i can truly unwind. home is my favourite orange sweater. home is a feeling of being wrapped around loving arms or sinking into nothingness. home is like the deep refreshing, give you a few disoriented moments after you wake up kind of sleep. home is like the kid on the train with hazel green eyes i make faces at. home is a wagging tail and overjoyed jumps at the sight of me. home is comfort. home is love and warmth. and then I finally told him, silly, home is you and i.”
~a.ch// fragments from a conversation
At times I find myself tangled in the web of my thoughts. Often, I think about what all the broken friendships, pain, trauma, relationships and almost relationships have done to me. I fear they’ve desensitized me, numbed me to the core but then there are days when I feel everything, every emotion deeply and all at once. It’s a cycle, followed one after the other. Every cycle makes it all the more difficult to make true sense of everything. It’s like swimming to the bottom of the deep blue sea, you go in voluntarily. Initially the silence is comforting as is the changing color of the sea until, the silence becomes deafening and the color begins to fade and you run out of breath so you frantically throw your hands towards the little ray of light. You hope that someone will pull you out and save you but you begin to choke and the realization finally hits you that you came too far because of something you loved or at least you thought you did.
~a.ch// fragments of my thoughts
I painted this picture of him and I went to bed with it every night after that
We were happy, you know?
Then, one day reality came knocking and with a heavy heart I opened the door,
I fought to keep the reality stranded at the threshold, to protect my lover
Eventually, it fought its way back in,
I tried so hard to save him only to realize later that it was his own demons at the door,
You know how they say, “If you truly love a person, you have to love both their sides, the sun and the moon”
Well, it was the moon ready to take my sunshine away,
I clung to my sunshine like a baby and pleaded with the moon but it didn’t care about my love for him,
The moon overshadowed me and it took my sunshine away,
And all I was left with was a hole in my heart and my bed.